Reply-All: A Short Story
From: vc@bantshire.ac.uk
To: ALL STAFF MAIL LIST
Message: Dear colleagues, a brief reminder about my online all-staff address today at 12noon. I hope to see you there! Cheers, Vince.
From: dvc@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Hi Vince, good luck today. All the best, Anne.
From: sarah.estates@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Hi Anne, I think you replied all.
From: vc@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Thanks, Anne. Let’s chat about the issues with the Business School flood plain later. I hear it will take weeks to clear the sewerage.
From: pat.finance@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Hi Vince, I can’t make it at 12, can the time be changed, please?
From: vc@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Hi Pat, the event has been in my schedule for months, I cannot change the time just for you.
From: trev.security@ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Good luck Vince, mate.
From: pat.finance@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Disappointing.
From: jen.marketing@ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Hi Vince, you forgot the sign up link. I sent it across earlier today. Maybe resend?
From: vc@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Shit, thanks Jen. I’ll send a follow up email.
From: vc@bantshire.ac.uk
To: ALL STAFF MAIL LIST
Message: Colleagues, in my haste I forgot to include the sign up link! Here it is again: bit.ly/pulsexcellence
From: sandra.ucu@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Will the event be recorded?
From: perry.payroll@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: I don’t know, Sandra, I work in payroll.
From: steve.hr@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Guys, stop replying all.
From: sandra.ucu@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Does anyone know?
From: dave.su@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: No.
From: brian.admissions@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: No, sorry.
From: perry.payroll@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: I’ve already said I don’t know, I work in Payroll.
From: mark.accomm@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Can I unsubscribe from this mail list, please?
From: trev.security@ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Good luck Vince, mate.
From: trev.security@ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Good luck Vince, mate.
From: trev.security@ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Hi IT, my emails don’t seem to be sending.
From: steve.hr@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Trev, you’re replying all.
From: vc@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Thanks, Trev. How are your girls?
From: trev.security@ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Hi IT, please ignore my previous email, it seems to be working again.
From: trev.security@ac.uk
REPLY ALL: They’re good thanks, Vince. I’ve attached a photo from our holiday in Skegness. Yes, that’s me in the trunks by the pool. They still fit, just! ;-)
From: harry.sports@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Please remove me from this email thread.
From: hazel.procurement@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: And me too, please.
From: staff.hr@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Trev, that’s an inappropriate photo to email to all university staff.
From: trev.security@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Hi IT, I’ve just received 528 out-of-office auto-replies and I’m not sure why?
From: karen.it@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: YOU’RE STILL REPLYING ALL!
From: steve.comms@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: For the love of God… this is why I’ve been asking for moderated email lists.
From: it@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Dear all, please stop replying all, our mail servers are creaking and part of the network has crashed.
From: head.maths@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Hi Jen, whilst you’re here, please could you turn our 12% satisfaction score into a key message. We were hoping to get it into a few hundred A4 leaflets for the open day tomorrow.
From: head.physics@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: There’s an open day tomorrow?
From: head.psychology@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Is it a virtual open day?
From: head.maths@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Yes, I heard it is now a virtual open day, and we’re going to tweet the leaflets.
From: head.humanities@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Wait, there’s a virtual open day tomorrow..!?
From: head.nursing@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: I heard it was cancelled.
From: head.arts@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: We’ve just finished setting up for a physical event, not heard any different.
From: dvc@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: That’s correct about the open day, we had to take the difficult decision due to the ongoing situation.
From: head.arts@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: What does that mean, is it off or on?
From: dvc@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Yes, unfortunately.
From: barry.estates@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: For sale, Nisan Micra, 59 reg, 82,000 miles. Email with offers.
From: jen.marketing@ac.uk
REPLY ALL: A Top 10* university for Mathematics.
From: head.maths@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: What’s the asterisks?
From: jen.marketing@ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Working on it…
From: sandra.ucu@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Can I test drive the Nissan this weekend, please?
From: prince853917@gmail.com
REPLY ALL: Greeting Sir, I email in great need. My uncle has left me $12million and I need a UK bank account to transfer it to for tax purposes. Please reply and help? Thank you.
From: alumni.hq@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Hello prince853917, can I help at all? Are you an alumnus of Bantshire?
From: steve.hr@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Words. fail. me.
From: it@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Dear all, please do not reply to prince853917, this is a phishing email. Report it as spam. And STOP REPLYING ALL!
From: prince853917@gmail.com
REPLY ALL: Greeting Mr Alumni HQ, yes we student, please now transfer us $100 via Western Union to confirm identify. Please ASAP.
From: alumni.hq@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Hello prince853917, I’ve sent you the $100. I look forward to further instructions. P.s. I cannot find you on our alumni database?
From: jen.marketing@ac.uk
REPLY ALL: How about: “A Top 10 university for Mathematics at universities ranked bronze for TEF, north of Watford.” Fairly sure that’s CMA compliant.
From: vc@bantshire.ac.uk
To: ALL STAFF MAIL LIST
Message: Colleagues, the VC’s online all-staff address is now cancelled due to high levels of network traffic.
From: barry.estates@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Sorry, I’ve now sold the Micra.
From: trev.security@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Unfortunate Vince, mate.
From: head.geography@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: I’m late to this email chain, please can someone summarise?
From: janet.hr@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: It’s all bollocks, mate.
From: karen.it@bantshire.ac.uk
REPLY ALL: Delete it all.
Buy more shit
