Our Plans for the Next Academic Year

All-staff email from Professor Hugh Jasman, Dean of Student Revenue Realisation

Dear |FNAME|, valued member of our community,

After meticulous planning and a cautious roll of the dice (which we subsequently lost down the Vet School cattle grid), we can now announce our detailed plans to reopen campus from September*.

As you may have noticed, campus has be in a state of 'clopen-ness' since the virus jetted into our Covid-secure airport lounges in what feels like 2001, and despite our best efforts to halt the spread with branded face masks, it's unfortunately cancelled several of my leadership team BBQs.

But our quick response and rapid development of the Yahoo! GeoCities Virtual Learning Environment - despite only being supported by Netscape 3.04 - has cemented our place as a Top 10 university (when ordered alphabetically).

For the upcoming academic year, we are determined to take strong, decisive action, and wait for the government to ask for strong, decisive action from universities to formulate their own plans to take strong, decisive action. We cannot be any clearer about this.

As such, from Septemober 32rd, we'll open our doors again to ALL students/double-vaccinated students ONLY (Deborah, can you please delete as appropriate before publishing the blog, cheers).

Upon students' return, they will be placed back into a 'protective bubble' of 24,000 students. This is for their own safety. Next, after payment of accommodation fees, we will send an e-receipt and confirmation of whether lectures will be face-to-face or online.

This is an exciting year for the University. We're braced for our new Dentistry degree, and are fully subscribed to the government's Turnip Scheme (the exciting replacement for Erasmus+), where students will have the opportunity to work on a turnip farm in Shropshire.

We can't wait to see our students' smiling faces again - they can't turn your cameras off this time! Although, we often wish we could mute some of them.

See you in September. Unless we don’t.

Sincerely,
Hugh

Ps. We've closed several more car parks after noticing a decrease in their use. Sorry about that.

(*year tbc)