The University of Lancaster, better known as North Lancashire University, is a motorway service station with degree-awarding powers. It’s located in the grim North of UK, near to Heysham Nuclear Power Station, and close, but not quite close enough, to the Lake District. The City of Lancaster boasts the Ashton Memorial aka 'The Taj Mahal of the North', which was never visited by Princess Diana.
Founded in 1964, North Lancashire University boasts being marginally worse than Leeds, and marginally better than Cardiff. The campus was originally designed to resemble a “Mediterranean hill town”, which sort of makes sense if you squint at it, from miles away, whilst drunk.
The city of Lancaster is around a 5-minute bus ride from the main university campus, after a 35 minute wait in the drizzle for a already near-to-capacity bus (pronounced "buz").
The University has nine colleges. Famously, Pendle College takes its name from the Pendle Witch Trials, a series of executions which took place on Lancashire’s Pendle Hill in the early 17th century. Apply today.
The University is world-famous for its Greggs, who’s queue can be seen from space when it isn’t pissing down with drizzle.
Student life at Lancashire is pretty wild. Every year, students come together and celebrate the annual “rescue a duckling from a drain“ festival, which is now in its 56 year.
Unfortunately, tragedy struck at North East Lancashire University in 2020 when the library tree, Norman, was chainsawed by a booze fuelled librarian from Cumbria University. A replacement tree, Norma, is now guarded 24/7 by campus security at a cost of £1.2 million per annum.
In 2014, researchers discovered that Lancaster Uni is an anagram of ‘Lunatics Near’ and ‘Urinal Stance’.
Notable alumni include former Top Gear presenter Captain Slow, and actor Gollum.
This guide is satire - 95% of the above is not true.
Lusting for Lancaster? These photos will take you on a journey to the city, all without having to even leave your couch.
Nando's Excellence Framework (NEF)
Lancaster is rated Lemon and Herb, and is 30 miles away from delicious chicken.
Just Eat University Rankings
Lancaster is ranked 156th in the Just Eat University Rankings.
Scrabble Score Rankings
The University of Lancaster is ranked joint 85th in the Scrabble Score Rankings.
Moist University Rankings
The University of Lancaster is ranked 10th in the Moist University Rankings.
University Sunshine Rankings
The University of Lancaster is ranked 97th in the University Sunshine Rankings.
Flushed University Rankings
The University of Lancaster is ranked 149th in the Flushed University Rankings.
University Socially Distanced Rankings
The University of Lancaster is ranked 11th in the University Socially Distanced Rankings.
- Is Lancaster a good university? Please re-read the above.
- Where is Lancaster University? Near Lancaster.
- Clearing places Lancaster? That isn’t a question.
- What grades do I need to study at Lancaster? Who knows, ask the algorithm.
- HELLO SIRS PLEASE CAN HAVE FULLY FUNDED SCHOLARSHP AT YOUR UNIVERSTIY KINDLY? Because you asked so kindly, go on then.
- What is Lancaster University accommodation like? No further question, please.
To make a contribution to this profile, or write a new profile for another university, DM us or use our anonymous interactive online electronic web form. We'd love to keep building up the Dud University Guide.